I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
