Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
