thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
