mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
