I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
