You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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