her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
