hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
