is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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