someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
