I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
