dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
