You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
