I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
