i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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