No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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