he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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