Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My vagina just clenched in fear
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
