Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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