I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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