yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
