its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
