I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
