I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
