Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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