She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
