if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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