you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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