i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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