ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
