I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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