Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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