I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
