I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
