Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
the liver wants what the liver wants
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
