It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
