She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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