It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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