she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
