we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
