I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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