Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
