We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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