he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A+ Viking dick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
