Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
