I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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