the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
