i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
