I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
