My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
