My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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