i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This baby is an asshole
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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