New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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