Define "chronic" masturbator.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
