Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
