i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
