I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
