i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
