If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize