My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
