I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
