i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
