I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
