You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
