We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
